The other day I gave an initiation talk to BDSM. It was a pleasure to be able to share with others basic aspects of BDSM and conclude with a time for questions. One of the questions they asked me was this: how do you learn to be Dominant?
It is a good question and a complex question. I have thought about that question a lot. It is also a question that is usually found in social networks, formulated in an abbreviated way with, is the Dominant, born or made?
I believe that certain things should be clarified first. It would be necessary to ask what is to be Dominant? A role? a character? a way to be? A sexual trait? In my opinion, being Dominant is primarily a sexual trait. Why am I saying this? Because I have come across quite a few Dominants, men and women, whose social character is apparently docile and calm and, in no way, they try to impose their will, but they have a high degree of adaptation and tolerance. Without for that reason they stop being and feeling Dominant. What’s more, some believe that being Dominant is synonymous with arrogance and end up making the loudest ridiculous, when being Dominant is not that.
On the other hand, there are Dominants of a very marked character, very confident and with clear leadership skills, charismatics, who would fit us more naturally with the idea that we can have of a person with the role of Dominant in BDSM.
Anyone who has attended a BDSM social gathering has been able to verify that people who are chatting in a relaxed way over a few beers, for example, either clarify their role or can lead to confusion , therefore, character is not decisive at the time of being or not Dominant. That is, there is nothing that externally identifies a Dominant . The vast majority of Dominants are intimate because for most it is a sexual trait and not a character trait. The same can be said for the submissive role, obviously.
The Dominant finds his pleasure in controlling mentally and sexually, in being obeyed, directing actions and prioritizing his will, imposing his desire . Being Dominant does not imply being Sadistic, I have already commented on it on occasion but I repeat it again, although most may be. If the Dominant is also sadistic , he will get his pleasure in producing pain and humiliation to also arouse the pleasure of the other.
You can play to dominate in a punctual and occasional way in conventional sexual relations without becoming Dominant within the scope of BDSM. Being Dominant is something much more stable in the personality and in what characterizes that person sexually, unless one is Switch, that is, being Dominant implies that the sexual relations of that person are framed to a great extent or in his totality within the BDSM realm . The same thing will happen to you as with the other BDSM roles, conventional sex will leave you frustrated or dissatisfied or lacking in something deeper and more intense. They need to dominate to feel free and fulfilled sexually.
The acceptance and assumption of a role in BDSM must imply an intimate sexual exploration, a high personal self-knowledge, be reflective and reach quite deep levels of introspection about the fact of pleasure and what causes and moves that pleasure. From your own pleasure , in the first place, to later direct your efforts of understanding towards the pleasure of the other . Of the complementary. Without knowing the pleasure of the other the Dominant is easy to err.
Therefore it is a path, a process, a construction. It is a pleasure that is known but that must be investigated and felt through communication and relationships with other people. It is not an onanistic pleasure but it is a de facto sexual relationship . Therefore, it is not possible to learn to be Dominant in the sense of learning to feel excited with Domination, what can be learned are the forms, the modes . To express yourself as a Dominant and to act as such. The character can be built and modeled on the basis of experience and learning. You can learn practices, games, you cannot learn to feel how a Dominant feels
You learn to express and externalize the Domination that is intrinsically carried outwards in how you position yourself, how you position yourself on the scene, the confidence you radiate, the attitude, the security, the information you have that the other person does not knows. This is very important. Power to a large extent is exercised because one knows and the other does not know. I explain. The submissive does not know what will happen in the scene devised by the Dominant. The only thing you know and need to know is that you are going to be subdued . He does not know in what way. The more security he detects in the Dominant, the more he will give up his power, that of conscious control of his person, that is, his thoughts and feelings, depositing them in the Dominant who takes charge. That he assumes that responsibility and holds it sensibly and consistently.
Being a Dominant implies a lot of responsibility, that is why a Dominant must be trained and learn. Being a Mistress is already something more complex and encompasses more areas than the merely sexual.